Tonight I sit here watching the movie Still Alice starring Julianne Moore. And my sweet sweet God is healing me through this horrendously awful beautiful story of early onset Alzheimer’s disease. I don’t suffer from this nefarious condition…but because of this story, and the realization that there are amazing souls out there struggling with this I am seeing more of the beauty in my life than the loss. Sometimes we cry out and lash out at God or our friends and family…and we may have legitimate reason to be angry and frustrated and disgusted at our lot, but I don’t want to let those who are losing their memories to be left without a legacy. Their legacy is teaching us to hold on to what precious moments we’ve been given. That moments…memories are the most precious gifts we have. And the best moments are when authentic love is present.
We try to create amazing moments…here in the US that is. We buy lavish getaways, buy amazing nights outs, buy new homes, buy buy buy. Then we post post post…because in our minds, a memory is only valid if it is up on social media and receives likes and comments. The moments that mean the most are the ones in the midst of chaos when we suddenly realize how amazing life is, even if we have nothing. Those stomp in the puddle moments because rain, mud and puddles are exponentially more valuable than resort bought sand. Quiet star lit nights when the expanse of the universe overwhelms you. The mundane nights when you are just with someone. The presence of people in your life that you treasure. The moments not posted about, that go by without our notice until somewhere along the way we realize we are surrounded with so much stuff, so much nonsense, so much excess, so much self promotion that we have lobotomized ourselves to true, real authentic moments with people. Social media is stripping from our memories authenticity. If it’s not posted about…it didn’t happen…it won’t be remembered. We aren’t sharing in intimate moments with people anymore. Sharing with them our unique love at that one particular moment in time, shared only with them so that they can have a memory that outlasts a FB post. I’m afraid we are teaching our children that if we don’t post our moments, our dedications of love, our achievements, our blessings and gifts… if we don’t receive feedback from the masses, then our moments are not validated, not real.
I am being given the gift of loss of things. The loss of bragging rights. The loss of stuff, the loss of money and self sustainment, the loss of “friends”. I’ve had a husband leave me after 20 years because the FB status moments weren’t enough. Because moments were forgotten. Because moments not consciously committed to our memory will vanish. It is only us lucky ones, that lose just about everything that makes American’s “happy”, that are forced to look back and look at the here and now and remember the beautiful moments in our lives. To remember the photo album days…the memories in pictures we took, had developed, and then spent time looking at and placing in albums meant just for us. Where care was taken to remember the moment and the feelings connected to it. The album moments we can sit with, hold in our laps, and absorb the essence of that moment in time made beautiful because it was just mine, just ours.
This Christmas will have little to none in terms of store bought gifts for my children from their mom. Living this reality in the midst of bombardment of advertising for things to buy for your friends and family is a constant feeling of failure. Hearing my kids express their “list” of things wanted for Christmas, living and surrounded by apparent affluence where thousands of dollars will be spent on children in order to buy a memory for them causes untold anxiety. As gifts is my love language…this Christmas will be painful. What I do hope I can gift them is a lasting memory. They won’t appreciate it now…that’s o.k., but my prayer is someday, when all seems lost, when life is more pain than pleasure, they will remember this Christmas moment. Not something shared with others not present…but that authentic beautiful moment with their mom.
In a crazy way…thank you to those who are battling the effects of Alzheimers. Know that your pain, your losses are spurring on others to live better. To remember better.
“My yesterdays are disappearing, and my tomorrows are uncertain, so what do I live for? I live for each day. I live in the moment. Some tomorrow soon, I’ll forget that I stood before you and gave this speech. But just because I’ll forget it some tomorrow doesn’t mean that I didn’t live every second of it today. I will forget today, but that doesn’t mean that today didn’t matter.”
― Lisa Genova, Still Alice
100 Dates With God 