He Still Invited Me

Lately my “dates” with God have been more like fight club meets death match.  My sufferings turned inward become extreme anger turned outward.  My eyes are so open to the ego centric nature of humans lately.  The take take take mentality the vast majority of us have.  I have been so worn down, so taken from, so discarded, so used by so many that I am finally at my breaking point.  No…I’ve been broken.  Now I’m not sure I can be healed.

Today, my anger and hatred was turned straight at God Himself.  I pound my fist at Him.  I scream out, “what the f–k do you want from me?  How much pain am I supposed to endure?”  and then…I hate myself even more.  In the presence of God I hate myself.  He is making me hate myself more…so it feels.  How can I ask for deliverance, how do I dare ask for answers to my prayers when I find myself almost hating Him.  Of course He is not answering my prayers…I’m a taker from Him…just like the rest of us.  I am the ultimate “older daughter” in the prodigal story.  Lord, I tithe even while I”m in debt, when my car is about to be repossessed, I lead a study, I encourage others daily through blogging, Facebook encouragements, I pray for others, I sign up for and volunteer at events.  I come to your word over and over again.  I pray to you constantly.  Why Lord, why is that not enough to throw me a party? I don’t even want a party, just some relief.  Why Lord, why do I keep going back to that “one” who obviously doesn’t want me except to use me for the laughter, encouragement and company he wants when he wants it.  This is the form I took as I entered into His house this morning to be with Him, yet again.  I came angry, I came on the verge of disbelief in Him as a good God that hears me, I came with visceral hatred towards people in general and specific people as well.  I came to His house in such a state that His doors should have been slammed in my face!!

But they weren’t…my family at The Gathering let me in.  They welcomed me.

Let me tell you, the moment you keep willing your spirit to stay with God, come back to Him, listen to Him…Satan will throw nasty darts your way.  Who sat in front of me?  A new family I’ve not met.  A perfectly loving husband and wife with 4 amazingly behaved great looking kids and, what I’m assuming, 2 adopted children.  Seriously?  I about vomited…for real.  What kind of loving God would throw this in my face and taunt me with…”look at what others have…she is adored by her husband.  They have amazing children.  This is a picture of joy, of family.  Ha Ha… you don’t have this!!”  Nice play Satan, nice play.  It worked.

But I stayed.  If God were anything like you and me, He would definitely just ignore me.  Told me to grow up or say something like us parent’s say to our kids, “if you want to stay miserable, stay miserable.  I’m tired of trying”.

Here I am, Lord, and I’m drowning in your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don’t want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind, keeps me awake tonight
I know You’ve cast my sin as far as the east is from the west
And I stand before You now as though I’ve never sinned
But today I feel like I’m just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

These words from Casting Crowns adequately sum up where I’m at right now.

But my God, our God, the one and only God didn’t do that to me.  Instead, through music we sang, He began to silence Satan and his awful condemnations from my head.  Satan’s words cannot prevail in God’s house.  My pounding angry heart began to soften.  My exploding head began to quiet.  And somewhere in my soul, I felt a glimmer of hope…no, not hope.  Love.

Then, He spoke to me through a testimony shared at church.

Deuteronomy 31:8 The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

Another piercing of Love.  He will NEVER leave me.  Lord, everyone leaves me.  My husband left me, employees leave me, my children leave me, friends flee from me, the “one” I’ve fallen for leaves me.  Why wouldn’t You?  Why shouldn’t You?

Romans 8:5-9 Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. 6 The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. 7 The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. 8 Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God.

9 You, however, are not in the realm of the flesh but are in the realm of the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you. 

So God spoke to me even louder.  This was the passage spoken to me through our amazing pastor by our God.

My mind, my desires are governed by the flesh…I yearn for a man, well, a particular man.  I hope for, pray for, work for and desire him.  My desires are for freedom from debt, a business that will thrive and survive, I pray for healing of my mind and of my body.  None of these are bad things to pray for, but they are fleshly things to pray for.  I am hostile to God, because I am fixed on the needs of the flesh.  I feel death all around me because I live in the flesh more than in the Spirit.  Christ asks us, “What is it you want from Me?”  Lord, I want you…only you.  I want life and peace.  I want to live according to the Spirit and with the Spirit.  Holy Spirit you are welcome here…here with me.  Never leave me, never forsake me.

And then, He still invited me to His table.  A weeping mess, I realized I was more welcome at His table today, then I am on the days in which life is great and I don’t feel the need for Him as much.  Today, I took of the bread and the wine, the body and the blood of Christ, at my most undeserving of time.  That’s exactly how we should always TAKE from Him.  Remembering our undeservingness and His willingness to GIVE and His asking us to TAKE.

I came in nearly hating my God.  Definitely hating His people.  I came in hopeless, beaten down, broken, hurt, crushed in spirit. He welcomed me, encouraged me, taught me and then fed me.  He gave ALL of Himself to me today and always.  I am His and He is mine.  He will never leave me nor forsake me. Even at my ugliest.

I start the day, the war begins, endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again Your truth is drowned out by the storm I’m in
Today I feel like I’m just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

I know You’ve washed me white, turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through, to get me through this night
I can’t live by what I feel, but by the truth Your word reveals
I’m not holding on to You, but You’re holding on to me
You’re holding on to me

Jesus, You know just how far the east is from the west
I don’t have to see the man I’ve been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
’cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other
One scarred hand to the other
From one scarred hand to the other

AMEN

Can’t Write

Sometimes dating God leads you to a place where you just can’t express your mind and thoughts anymore.  So I found others that could do it for me.

Life’s enjoyment

closeup of a representation of the Jesus Christ crown of thorns and nail

Fail!

Yep…I’ve failed this little self imposed fast from relationships thing.  I reached out to the “one” I have the deepest feelings for, and then, in an attempt to “move on” from him, I updated my online profiles and responded to some “Matches” that reached out to me.  Why?  Good question.  The main reason I’m doing this whole thing is because my heart is so caught up on the “one” that I have let my heart fall for.  This “one” that I’m beginning to think wants nothing more than a friendship, this “one” that takes all my attempts but doesn’t respond in kind.  Yet I can fine every excuse to cover for him.  Because, in reality, who is in charge of my heart?  The “one” or me?

I’m still struggling so completely with wanting to “prove” my worthiness, “prove” my kindness, “prove” my graciousness, “prove” my strength, “prove” how cool I am, how independent, how much of a catch I am.  I’m trying to show, “hey look…I don’t need you”, but alas, I do want you.  Why, Why Why do i feel I am not good enough unless I work and earn someone’s love? How long will it take my Lord, to learn this lesson?  When? or Should? I let this “one’ that keeps invading my life go?  Why does he not treat me like I treat him?  Why won’t he just let me go?

Lord I need you.  I need you in this time of of failure.  I need you to work faster in showing me that I have worth in your eyes alone.  I need you to fill me with peace and help me purge the notions that I am not good enough.

What do we do when we fail?  How many failures will God allow before He too has had “enough”.  So I googled it!! How many times can I fail?  Here is one that I got.

How Many Times? http://fundersandfounders.com/how-many-times-should-you-try/

• 3 times Steven Spielberg was rejected by University of Southern California Film School [biography at Yahoo Movies].

• 25 times Tim Ferris’s book The 4 Hour Work Week was rejected by publishers.

• 162 times the author of this infographic made searches for this data  .

• 300 times founder of Pandora.com approached investors before he got funding.

• 400 times Richard Branson launched companies before he finally founded one that is out of this world [Virgin Galactic] pun-intended.

• 1009 times Colonel Sanders who just started KFC was turned down when he tried selling  his fried chicken recipe.

• 1500 times Sylvester Stallone was rejected when he tried selling his script and himself as what would become the film “Rocky” [account by Tony Robbins, Stallone’s personal friend].

• 5126 times James Dyson created failed prototypes of his vacuum cleaner before succeeding.

• 10000 times Thomas Edison created failed prototypes of his electric bulb before succeeding.

I’m no where near 10,000 times, so I guess I can give myself a little break.  But what about with God?  Surely there is a point where, like the human race, He will roll his eyes and just give up on me.

“As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us” (Psalm 103:12).

“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”1 John 1:9,

“Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?’ Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.’” Matthew 18:21-22

Satan’s strongest hold on me and, probably you to, is the idea that there is only so much grace.  Furthermore, the amount of grace allowed has run out or will shortly.  I view grace from a human perspective.  There is only so much I can give.  After awhile, well…I guess you deserve it.  The crazier thing is…I’m not doing anything “sinful” in seeking a relationship. I’m just failing at my own goal.  This is what is bugging me the most.  I can’t forgive myself.

We are told to forgive, lest we not be forgiven.  Not to judge, lest we be judged.  I constantly judge and condemn Myself.  Please Lord… show me how to give grace, forgiveness to myself.  Show me how to ljust me.

ANGER-Righteous? Probably not.

And just as God comes in to fill you with His love and power and hope….Satan will come in and destroy it!  I am so angry today.  I am most angry at my Christian ‘friends’, of course I’m angry at my ex…but he is who he is.  But those who confess in Christ but live a life only to make sure their day, their energy and their kids/family are cared for…have totally and completely missed the point of loving one another.

Here is an example….When you become a member of a church.  Do you promise only to be a member in the good times?  When it works best for you and provides all that you need for you and your kids?  NO…yet again…it’s another covenant with your Christian family.  I have been left and destroyed, because one was too lazy to stick through the “in sickness” part of his vows, but what hurts me more…”you” have left me, abandoned me in the same way.  It’s a great thing and worthy of “patting” yourself on the back for visiting someone in the hospital…Yeah for you…but what about walking through the horrible, lonely, sinful valley of death…even if it lasts 2 years+.  Too much for you?…then yes…go visit a mega church where no-one knows you and you can get everything you need with no effort.

Can you hear my righteous anger?  I have been abandoned by “Christian” friends.  If you leave a church, not because they are preaching/teaching heretical things…then repent and deal with the fact that you probably left a sister or a brother who needs you!  Help me forgive them my God.  I guarantee they know not what they did.

I was recently told that the reason one has not engaged with me is because “we have different interests”.  What interests??? My interests in the last year and a half is how to survive being left by a husband, it was trying to learn how to survive as a single woman in a world that, for the most part, doesn’t want a real relationship-they want a “friend with benefits” when it’s convenient for them.  My interests have been trying to find ways to not drink too much, not take to many pills, not cut myself.  I have no interests but to try and get my “friends” together to spend time with me, encourage me.  You judged me wrong.

So what do I do? What do we do with anger?  When Satan won’t leave me alone and wants me to shame and embarrass and crush those who think they are “greater than thou”.  I guess I embrace it.   I let it happen, I let it help me sift through real friends, real faithful followers, despite every human urge to not pray for you…I do.  Then somehow I find the strength to forgive and pray they will repent and come back to the family they vowed to take care of.

The saddest thing to me…I’ve invited many to join me at church and sadly several of them won’t come because they have better more loyal friends outside the church, they have seen my “lack of” friends from church.  Oh my Abba…forgive us!

Yes…Christians like me can get raging mad.  We can sin…I know I have.  I write about it, I vow not to do it again.  The sad thing is that when I’m alone on nights when I’m struggling…the people who rally around me are the “nonbelievers” (though I see their beautiful eternal redeemed life ahead of them).  What does that say?  The Christians I know are ‘too busy’ trying to look good.

If this offends you…most likely it’s because you’re been cut to the heart.  Just think about the face to face repentance I’ve had to do with more “obvious” sins, oh  you can’t…you weren’t aware.

God help me to love those who have left and hurt me.  I want so bad to shame, call out, rage against them, but You did not do this to me when I was in my selfish ways, so help me not do that to them.  Only You can help me live peaceably when I want to fight.  Only you can help me forgive when I don’t want to.  This is all you Lord, not me at all.

Becoming

It is very true…the moment you begin to let go of things of this world, including the search for relationships for a short time, God will come in daily to fill you  more and more with His love and intent for you.

I was just recently introduced to Andy Stanley and his sermons on “The New Rules for Love, Sex and Dating.  (Just click on the title to take you to his message;)  What a profound gift from God to bring me such eye opening, duh-ah ha teachings on love, sex and dating.  The message I most want to pay attention to is the “Become the person who the person I am looking for is looking for”.  This is exactly what these 6 months of dating God and God alone are all about.  God is preparing for and helping me to become the person that the person I hope to find is looking for.  Because up until now….the person I want to marry would not be interested in me!  YIKES, but true.  Sometimes we have to swallow bitter pills and look at the mess in the mirror.  Its the only way to see what is happening, to really see who and what we really are.

So who am I looking for and therefore, who am I becoming?  I am looking for a man who is not ashamed to be associated with Jesus Christ, I am looking for a man who knows the beauty in sacrifice for others, a man who knows I am not a commodity but worthy of honor because he knows I am a daughter of God.  I am looking for a man who does not NEED me but who rejoices in the gift of me given to him.  And while this is all deep and great…I want a man who can’t wait to dedicate songs and music to me.  Seeing that is a great love of mine. (Hint Hint, Wink Wink;)

So while I’m waiting through these months to work through and become the ME God has created, I will continue to serve, sacrifice, worship Him who makes all things perfect.  I will also continue to accept all His dates with me.  Whether they be listening to sermons together on the couch, retreat get aways to the mountains, or ?????  The surprises!  I am waiting and I am hopeful in becoming!!

So who are you looking for?  And are you that person to?

While I’m Waiting – John Waller (Link to video)

I’m waiting, I’m waiting on You Lord
And I am hopeful, I’m waiting on You Lord
Though it is painful, but patiently I will wait

And I will move ahead bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I’m waiting I will serve You
While I’m waiting I will worship
While I’m waiting I will not faint
I’ll be running the race even while I wait

I’m waiting, I’m waiting on You Lord
And I am peaceful, I’m waiting on You Lord
Though it’s not easy no, but faithfully I will wait
Yes, I will wait

Shh!

I am so profoundly exhausted in the most satisfying way.  So much emotion, so much healing, so much learning, growing and most importantly for me, the hard work of listening.

Do you find it hard to listen to the still small voice that speaks truth to you?  I most definitely do.  I hear the loud voices in my head and from my past and from the often cruel world around us so very clearly.  Those words seem very real to me.  Today, I was quiet, completely quiet for a couple of hours to just listen, and listen closely for Truth.

And this is what I heard…

You are my treasure,  I delight in you, I have formed you and made you exactly the way I want you.  You are so unique, so set apart from anyone else, and I love that about you.  I love you more than you can ever be loved by anyone else, you are beautiful and kind, you are sacrificial, you are real and true. You are a mess and I am here to make you whole.  I weep over your mess, I weep over your pain, I weep for the way you’ve been treated, ignored, neglected, used, abused, abandoned.  I was always there with you.  I have seen you through everything and I allowed it because I am making you strong, voracious for love and for justice, for redemption and mercy.  You cannot be that without loss and pain.  You had to feel it, I had to take all that you trust in away so that there was nothing left to turn to and trust in but Me.  I sing over you, I protect you, I smile over you, I am well pleased in you.  You are my daughter.  I hope with you, I put those day dreams in you, I made you the lover of souls that you are, I rejoice in your artistry, I get a kick our of your romanticism.  Oh my sweet girl, how I love you.  Believe in your forgiveness, believe you are renewed, believe in your fantastic worth, your pricelessness.  Look up again my sweet girl for I am here, I am delivering you, I am holding you and carrying you and together we will get through this valley. You are not the sum of your mistakes.  I see you…you are good, with purity and honor and dignity.

I hope for any who read this, that you will find the time to sit in stillness and silence and wait to here Him who speaks gently.  He will speak about you with a love that you cannot hear from the world.  He will speak directly to you with the words He knows you need to hear from Him.

Of course I will end with song lyrics…and it makes me laugh because it’s not a hymn.  It’s me and God on the dance floor!  To think that I am His destiny!  That’s how much he’s invested in me.

“Shut Up and Dance” by Walk the Moon

“Oh don’t you dare look back.
Just keep your eyes on me.”
I said, “You’re holding back, ”
She said, “Shut up and dance with me!”
This woman is my destiny
She said, “Ooh-ooh-hoo,
Shut up and dance with me.”

We were victims of the night,
The chemical, physical, kryptonite
Helpless to the bass and the fading light
Oh, we were bound to get together,
Bound to get together.

She took my arm,
I don’t know how it happened.
We took the floor and she said,

“Oh, don’t you dare look back.
Just keep your eyes on me.”
I said, “You’re holding back, ”
She said, “Shut up and dance with me!”
This woman is my destiny
She said, “Ooh-ooh-hoo,
Shut up and dance with me.”

A backless dress and some beat up sneaks,
My discothèque, Juliet teenage dream.
I felt it in my chest as she looked at me.
I knew we were bound to be together,
Bound to be together

She took my arm,
I don’t know how it happened.
We took the floor and she said,

“Oh, don’t you dare look back.
Just keep your eyes on me.”
I said, “You’re holding back, ”
She said, “Shut up and dance with me!”
This woman is my destiny
She said, “Ooh-ooh-hoo,
Shut up and dance with me.”

Peek a Boo

Here I am on a weekend Women’s Getaway date with God.  He really does know what I need and what I like.  Up here in Breckenridge, CO the leaves are changing, the air is crisp and cool, people are wearing their jackets and the smell of burning firewood is in the air.

I am so thankful that I accepted God’s invitation to go on this date.  I nearly passed it by…not enough money, it’s my weekend with the kids, no one else I knew had signed up…yada yada yada.  None of those excuses would stick though.  My ex offered to watch them an additional weekend for me, I found the money, and I found 2 more women I knew to join me and cut down on the cost.  When God invites…He’ll take care of the details.  Little did I know that He would meet me here in the most profound way.

What did I learn tonight through streams of hot free flowing tears?  He sees me.  He notices me.

He saw Hagar in the desert, pregnant, alone, abandoned.  He came to her and told her He saw her.  He’s always been watching her.  El Roi, Hebrew for the God who sees.

“She gave this name to the Lord who spoke to her: “You are the God who sees me,” for she said, “I have now seen the One who sees me.” Genesis 16:13

I’ve been searching and hoping, praying and trying to earn the eyes of a man.  Why does he not see me?  All along, there has been One who has always been watching me.  Not just watching, but seeing me.  Seeing me for all that I am.  Seeing me in all that I’ve done.  Beautiful or shameful, He has seen it and He still loves me. He still looks for me.  He still wants me!

I HAVE been seen by the God who sees me.

Sometimes…

others say it better!

“She Used To Be Mine”-Sara Bareilles

It’s not simple to say,
Most days I don’t recognize me.
These shoes and this apron,
This place and it’s patrons
Have taken more than I gave them.
It’s not easy to know
I’m not anything like I used to be.
Although it’s true,
I was never attention’s sweet center
I still remember that girl.

She’s imperfect but she tries
She is good but she lies.
She is hard on herself.
She is broken and won’t ask for help.
She is messy but she’s kind.
She is lonely most of the time.
She is all of this mixed up
And baked in a beautiful pie.
She is gone but she used to be mine.

And it’s not what I asked for.
Sometimes life just slips in through a back door
And carves out the person
And makes you believe it’s so true.
And now I’ve got you.
And you’re not what I asked for.
If I’m honest I know I would give it all back
For a chance to start over
And rewrite an ending or two
For the girl that I knew.

Who’ll be reckless just enough
Who’ll get hurt but
Who learns how to toughen up when she’s bruised
And gets used by a man who can’t love
And then she’ll get stuck and be scared
Of the life that’s inside her
Growing stronger each day
‘Til it finally reminds her
To fight just a little
To bring back the fire in her eyes
That’s been gone but used to be mine.

Used to be mine
She is messy but she’s kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone but she used to be mine.

“Dear Lord, having been plunged into this solitude and with my hands outstretched, I become more accustomed to the darkness.  More alone than I could ever be, I’m learning to live the death that You have chosen for me.  It is more painful than any other death but my eyes are adapting in the darkness.  I begin to distinguish the disguises of Your love, deeper than any love I’ve ever known.  And slowly it dawns on me that my loneliness is turning me towards You.  The death is very deep, but within it is also joyous life.  In this darkest darkness I am finally aware of light, Your light.  I begin to see where “home” is for me.  Love is being born in a me over and over again.  Thank you, Lord.  Thank you.”

-From the tapes of Henri Nouwen’s workshop.  Home Tonight, Henri J.M. Nouwen.

“We may know the anguish of not being touched with love, but these incredible hands lift us from our knees in total forgiveness while healing our broken hearts.”   -Home Tonight, Henri J.M. Nouwen

Swimming, swimming, swimming

“Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming”.  Thank you Dory!  I’m always looking for highs.  Hoping everyday God will show me something spectacular…or maybe even better, I won’t have to wait the full 6 months.  The man I’m hoping for will decide he wants me now and come asking permission to pursue me.  Oh my fanciful romantic mind.  I love it and hate it.  What is happening instead is life.  Plain and simple, nothing extraordinary.  Just life.  During life I find myself caught up in longings, but then I find myself able to pray through it.  It’s not that things are getting easier,  it’s that I’m getting stronger.  I’m making myself do the work of trusting.  Trusting God and His plan for me, trusting in His blessings for me, trusting in His provisions for me, trusting in His counsel.  I don’t know if trusting in God will ever be second nature.  It may always be work for me to trust in Him.  That is work I pray I never tire from.

So one foot in front of the other, day by day I will walk.  I’ll just keep swimming.

DORY:
Hey mister grumpy gills
Life’s full of little spills
Don’t throw your fins up in disgust
Oh what’s the use of floatin’ there
Not going anywhere?
Swish your tail
And dive on in
And trust…

That…if…you
Just keep swimming
Just keep swimming
Life isn’t all that grim!