Not sure I want to visit the pie shop again with God…however, the cream pie to the face and the bingeing on humble pie was one of the greatest, quickest eye-opening experiences I have had. Therefore, it was definitely worth … Continue reading
Where have I been? Well from December 28th thru Feb 2nd I was fortunate enough to retreat from the world and heal at the Life Healing Center in Santa Fe, NM. I came to be there after the effects of … Continue reading
Tonight I sit here watching the movie Still Alice starring Julianne Moore. And my sweet sweet God is healing me through this horrendously awful beautiful story of early onset Alzheimer’s disease. I don’t suffer from this nefarious condition…but because of this story, and the realization that there are amazing souls out there struggling with this I am seeing more of the beauty in my life than the loss. Sometimes we cry out and lash out at God or our friends and family…and we may have legitimate reason to be angry and frustrated and disgusted at our lot, but I don’t want to let those who are losing their memories to be left without a legacy. Their legacy is teaching us to hold on to what precious moments we’ve been given. That moments…memories are the most precious gifts we have. And the best moments are when authentic love is present.
We try to create amazing moments…here in the US that is. We buy lavish getaways, buy amazing nights outs, buy new homes, buy buy buy. Then we post post post…because in our minds, a memory is only valid if it is up on social media and receives likes and comments. The moments that mean the most are the ones in the midst of chaos when we suddenly realize how amazing life is, even if we have nothing. Those stomp in the puddle moments because rain, mud and puddles are exponentially more valuable than resort bought sand. Quiet star lit nights when the expanse of the universe overwhelms you. The mundane nights when you are just with someone. The presence of people in your life that you treasure. The moments not posted about, that go by without our notice until somewhere along the way we realize we are surrounded with so much stuff, so much nonsense, so much excess, so much self promotion that we have lobotomized ourselves to true, real authentic moments with people. Social media is stripping from our memories authenticity. If it’s not posted about…it didn’t happen…it won’t be remembered. We aren’t sharing in intimate moments with people anymore. Sharing with them our unique love at that one particular moment in time, shared only with them so that they can have a memory that outlasts a FB post. I’m afraid we are teaching our children that if we don’t post our moments, our dedications of love, our achievements, our blessings and gifts… if we don’t receive feedback from the masses, then our moments are not validated, not real.
I am being given the gift of loss of things. The loss of bragging rights. The loss of stuff, the loss of money and self sustainment, the loss of “friends”. I’ve had a husband leave me after 20 years because the FB status moments weren’t enough. Because moments were forgotten. Because moments not consciously committed to our memory will vanish. It is only us lucky ones, that lose just about everything that makes American’s “happy”, that are forced to look back and look at the here and now and remember the beautiful moments in our lives. To remember the photo album days…the memories in pictures we took, had developed, and then spent time looking at and placing in albums meant just for us. Where care was taken to remember the moment and the feelings connected to it. The album moments we can sit with, hold in our laps, and absorb the essence of that moment in time made beautiful because it was just mine, just ours.
This Christmas will have little to none in terms of store bought gifts for my children from their mom. Living this reality in the midst of bombardment of advertising for things to buy for your friends and family is a constant feeling of failure. Hearing my kids express their “list” of things wanted for Christmas, living and surrounded by apparent affluence where thousands of dollars will be spent on children in order to buy a memory for them causes untold anxiety. As gifts is my love language…this Christmas will be painful. What I do hope I can gift them is a lasting memory. They won’t appreciate it now…that’s o.k., but my prayer is someday, when all seems lost, when life is more pain than pleasure, they will remember this Christmas moment. Not something shared with others not present…but that authentic beautiful moment with their mom.
In a crazy way…thank you to those who are battling the effects of Alzheimers. Know that your pain, your losses are spurring on others to live better. To remember better.
“My yesterdays are disappearing, and my tomorrows are uncertain, so what do I live for? I live for each day. I live in the moment. Some tomorrow soon, I’ll forget that I stood before you and gave this speech. But just because I’ll forget it some tomorrow doesn’t mean that I didn’t live every second of it today. I will forget today, but that doesn’t mean that today didn’t matter.”
― Lisa Genova, Still Alice
It’s funny that it has literally come down to the “Pit” to find some welling hope, energy, joy and well…happiness.
God has taken me to Pittsburgh on this long needed getaway date. Here in the Pit I have been reunited with 2 of the most loving beautiful friends in my life that I have not seen in over 10 years. My reason for visiting came in a message I sent them via Facebook in which I said…Help!! I can’t breathe anymore. I can’t see a future. Hope has vanished, my soul is injured, my energy depleted, my body used. I’m done. I wanna go Home now. That is what it feels like to be in the pit. That dark hole where it seems light cannot penetrate, where people can’t hear your cries anymore…or worse, they hear them but don’t want to risk entering the pit to help you. My friends Julie and Steve jumped into the pit, they listened to the voice speaking to them through a dark shroud that was hell bent on suffocating the life out of the jewel beneath, then they lifted the near lifeless friend up and pushed me out of the pit. They flew me to them…They chose to sacrifice time, money, children’s momentary needs, sleep, and more to let me be with them. In just 36 hours, because of life giving friendship, the jewel I know I am is beginning to tear out of the black shroud.
Our loved ones, our family and friends, they can act upon the calling to help another. They can live out “love one another as I have loved you”, they can sacrifice and do all that they are led to do…but the removing of the shroud…that only God and I can do. He lives in me…the creator of the universe, strength and power unlimited, the One who can toss a mountain into the sea with the sound of His voice. The one who broke out of his own shroud. This power is within me, and He is telling me to use Him to tear through the lies. To fight my way out, with His strength, of the strongholds in my life. I have to be part of the fight, there is no way to become stronger without fighting my way through. Muscles are not strengthened by someone else lifting our arms for us…we have to lift, we have to strain, we must endure the pain, we must go at it one more time, even when it feels as though we can’t.
I am strong. I am beautiful. I have worth. I am loved. I am lovable. I am remarkable. I am unique. I am unstoppable. I am a treasure.
I am His
No, I won’t go home in a few days to a “perfected” life. To a suddenly thriving business, to day dreamy love and romance, to riches, success, travel and fame. God never told us that is how it works here. There is no “Secret” to “perfect” life. No…God didn’t hide himself from us. He’s not hiding in the universe. He came in the flesh, He lived in the flesh, He suffered in the flesh, He died in the flesh, and He returned resurrected in the flesh! No hiding. His promise is for perfection eternal AFTER this life. His promise is peace and joy and strength and contentment IN this life. God has never said that we wouldn’t suffer. He never despised those suffering. Suffering is not because one is weak or being punished. Suffering is not laid upon a person because they deserve it.
Suffering is for those who CAN endure, for those who walk in the light of Christ and suffer for His sake. Suffering just IS a part of the Christian life. We spend our entire lives trying to avoid it. Anxiously scattered in thought and deed to minimize suffering. As parents we do everything we can to “give our kids a better life”, to make sure they do not suffer, to eliminate every kind of suffering we can think of. We find every way possible to have others lift the weights of life for us….and then wonder why we are so weak when trials and sufferings occur.
My sufferings are not over, my conditioning not complete. But because of love, given to me by God through His people, I will endure. I will get stronger. I have hope again…My strength will strengthen others one day.
Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory. Romans 8:17
Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; Romans 5:3
I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. Romans 8:18
For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. 2 Corinthians 1:5
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4
But those who suffer he delivers in their suffering; he speaks to them in their affliction. Job 36:15
And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 1 Peter 5:10
For those who are suffering…where breath eludes you, where hope seems vanished, where body is worn and mind is done. For the lonely, not seen, easily used and discarded, for the “too much” and the “not enough” out there…I hear you in the pit. You are not forgotten. Even if it is just this blog…I am here. Keep crying out. Keep praying. Keep fighting. Keep asking. For YOU are truly the strong ones of the world. You will do the most good for others. You will bring about glory to God that others cannot for they are not tried and tested. Look to your fellow sufferers. You are strength!
Join with me in suffering, like a good soldier of Christ Jesus. 2Timothy 2:3
One of the loudest and most nagging voices in my head are the words spoken to me by my, now, ex-husband in response to my pleads for “Why are you leaving me?”. His only response…,”you’re too much.”
No explanation…but it must be bad to be “too much”.
I guess I am too much. I was made to be emotional, passionate, empathetic, sacrificial. I’m a lover of souls too much . I’m romantic too much. I’m a dreamer too much . I give of my time and resources any time I’m asked and I can. Sometimes, even when it would have better not to give. I am too much of a pleaser and perfectionist…this I am learning. I forgive too much. I definitely hope too much. I believe in people too much. I’m taken for granted too much. I laugh too much (was actually told that).
In the dating world I plan too much, I pay for too much, I reach out too much, I ask too much, I do too much. I try to prove I am worthy too much.
I guess I am too much of a liability than an asset to people. When people learn of my history of anxiety and depression…they think about and focus on that as a weakness. They forget to look at and see the fighter, the hope, the strength and the conquerer before them. I am NOT anxiety and depression…I have fought anxiety and depression. So I guess I’m a fighter too much.
I am a failure too much. That is what I tend to believe too much, because I’m not loved so much.
I try to much…and here is where God is meeting me. Softly whispering to stop trying so much. I am being made aware that I don’t really believe in unmerited grace. I don’t like mercy, I don’t like charity, I don’t like unconditional love. I view my God the way I view men…starting with my dad. Love is earned. I will be affirmed, pursued, loved, given to, adored, held when I earn it. When I prove I’m good enough for it. At best, “we can be friends”. Same with God. My eternal salvation is set. It’s been done, it’s determined by Christ’s sacrifice on the cross for me, but deep down inside…I need to prove I earned it. I need to show I deserved it. I say to God often in mixed up ways, “look God, I’m glorifying You. Do you see me? I’m doing what you said. See…I’m a good daughter.” And just as fast and easy as I say that…I sin miserably and I realize I don’t deserve anything. This is why I choose relationships in which I’m treated with such disregard that it confirms, in my mind, I’m not good enough..yet..but I’ll show him how good I can be. He’ll have to see my sweet nature, my tender heart, my desire to give more than receive etc, etc, etc, It’s perfect, I can be Jesus to him and kill two birds with one stone. I’ll work really hard glorifying God and I’ll show this mortal man how worthy I am of his love. Choose me. Choose me. Pick me. See me.
It’s utterly exhausting to earn love.
My recent dates with God have been quiet nights at home. Talking to Him. Sometimes yelling at Him. Definitely crying with Him. Just being with Him. In these quiet evenings, I hear Him speaking to me and He sees things a little different…He reminds me that He gave “too much”, He pursues “too much”, He forgave “too much”, He woos “too much”, He invites “too much”, He reminds “too much”, He hopes “too much”, He bears “too much”. He absolute loves me “too much” and more. God is breaking me, because He loves me so intensely, so incredibly, so infinitely, that He can’t stand to see me try to earn that from Him or anyone anymore. When despite all your best efforts things still fall apart and away but you are still held in His merciful hands, there will finally come a point when you collapse. When you must just surrender to His love and let go of work, of trying too much.
I am too much. I am too too much in God’s eyes for Him to let me perish under my sin. I am too much to let go. Too much to let suffer. God made me, He made us, in His image. He made us too much…too beautiful.
Beautiful To Me-Nicole Nordeman
Every girl young and old has to face her own reflection
Twirl around, stare it down
What’s the mirror gonna say
With some luck, you’ll measure up
But you might not hold a candle to the rest
“Is that your best?” says the mirror to the mess
But there’s a whisper in the noise
Can you hear a little voice
and He says:Has anybody told you you’re beautiful?
You might agree if you could see what I see
‘Cuz everything about you is incredible
You should have seen me smile the day that I made you beautiful for MeIf it’s true beauty lies in the eye of the beholder
Want my life and what’s inside to give Him something to behold
I want a heart that’s captivating
I wanna hear my Father sayHas anybody told you you’re beautiful?
You might agree if you could see what I see
‘Cuz everything about you is incredible
You should have seen me smile the day that I made you beautiful for Me
Close your eyes
Look inside
Let Me see the you that you’ve been trying to hide
Long ago, I made you so very beautiful
So I ought to know you’re beautifulHas anybody told you you’re beautiful?
You might agree if you could see what I see
‘Cuz everything about you is incredible
You should have seen me smile the day that I made you beautiful
You’re so beautiful
Beautiful for me
So beautiful for me
Has anybody told you?
100 Dates With God 