Too Much

One of the loudest and most nagging voices in my head are the words spoken to me by my, now, ex-husband in response to my pleads for “Why are you leaving me?”.  His only response…,”you’re too much.”

No explanation…but it must be bad to be “too much”.

I guess I am too much.   I was made to be emotional, passionate, empathetic, sacrificial.  I’m a lover of souls too much .  I’m romantic too much.  I’m a dreamer too much .  I give of my time and resources any time I’m asked and I can. Sometimes, even when it would have better not to give. I am too much of a pleaser and perfectionist…this I am learning.   I forgive too much.  I definitely hope too much.  I believe in people too much.  I’m taken for granted too much.  I laugh too much (was actually told that).

In the dating world I plan too much, I pay for too much, I reach out too much, I ask too much, I do too much.  I try to prove I am  worthy too much.

I guess I am too much of a liability than an asset to people.  When people learn of my history of anxiety and depression…they think about and focus on that as a weakness.  They forget to look at and see the fighter, the hope, the strength and the conquerer before them.  I am NOT anxiety and depression…I have fought anxiety and depression.  So I guess I’m a fighter too much.

I am a failure too much.  That is what I tend to believe too much, because I’m not loved so much.

I try to much…and here is where God is meeting me.  Softly whispering to stop trying so much.  I am being made aware that I don’t really believe in unmerited grace.  I don’t like mercy, I don’t like charity, I don’t like unconditional love.  I view my God the way I view men…starting with my dad.  Love is earned.  I will be affirmed, pursued, loved, given to, adored, held when I earn it.  When I prove I’m good enough for it.  At best, “we can be friends”.  Same with God.  My eternal salvation is set.  It’s been done, it’s determined by Christ’s sacrifice on the cross for me, but deep down inside…I need to prove I earned it.  I need to show I deserved it.  I say to God often in mixed up ways, “look God, I’m glorifying You.  Do you see me? I’m doing what you said.  See…I’m a good daughter.”  And just as fast and easy as I say that…I sin miserably and I realize I don’t deserve anything.  This is why I choose relationships in which I’m treated with such disregard that it confirms, in my mind, I’m not good enough..yet..but I’ll show him how good I can be.  He’ll have to see my sweet nature, my tender heart, my desire to give more than receive etc, etc, etc,  It’s perfect, I can be Jesus to him and kill two birds with one stone.  I’ll work really hard glorifying God and I’ll show this mortal man how worthy I am of his love.  Choose me.  Choose me. Pick me.  See me.

It’s utterly exhausting to earn love.

My recent dates with God have been quiet nights at home.  Talking to Him.  Sometimes yelling at Him.  Definitely crying with Him.  Just being with Him.  In these quiet evenings, I hear Him speaking to me and He sees things a little different…He reminds me that He gave “too much”, He pursues “too much”, He forgave “too much”, He woos “too much”, He invites “too much”, He reminds “too much”, He hopes “too much”, He bears “too much”.  He absolute loves me “too much” and more.  God is breaking me, because He loves me so intensely, so incredibly, so infinitely, that He can’t stand to see me try to earn that from Him or anyone anymore.  When despite all your best efforts things still fall apart and away but you are still held in His merciful hands, there will finally come a point when you collapse.  When you must just surrender to His love and let go of work, of trying too much.

I am too much.  I am too too much in God’s eyes for Him to let me perish under my sin.  I am too much to let go.  Too much to let suffer.  God made me, He made us, in His image.  He made us too much…too beautiful.

Beautiful To Me-Nicole Nordeman

Every girl young and old has to face her own reflection
Twirl around, stare it down
What’s the mirror gonna say
With some luck, you’ll measure up
But you might not hold a candle to the rest
“Is that your best?” says the mirror to the mess
But there’s a whisper in the noise
Can you hear a little voice
and He says:

Has anybody told you you’re beautiful?
You might agree if you could see what I see
‘Cuz everything about you is incredible
You should have seen me smile the day that I made you beautiful for Me

If it’s true beauty lies in the eye of the beholder
Want my life and what’s inside to give Him something to behold
I want a heart that’s captivating
I wanna hear my Father say

Has anybody told you you’re beautiful?
You might agree if you could see what I see
‘Cuz everything about you is incredible
You should have seen me smile the day that I made you beautiful for Me
Close your eyes
Look inside
Let Me see the you that you’ve been trying to hide
Long ago, I made you so very beautiful
So I ought to know you’re beautiful

Has anybody told you you’re beautiful?
You might agree if you could see what I see
‘Cuz everything about you is incredible
You should have seen me smile the day that I made you beautiful
You’re so beautiful
Beautiful for me
So beautiful for me
Has anybody told you?