Where have I been? Well from December 28th thru Feb 2nd I was fortunate enough to retreat from the world and heal at the Life Healing Center in Santa Fe, NM. I came to be there after the effects of multiple traumas and abandonments in my life left me in a state where I could no longer fight, no longer live, no longer hope. Compound that with the genetic predisposition of anxiety and the learned behavior of perfectionism and you are left with a very sick person. Sick is used in this context not as “crazy”, but as ill just as somebody with any disease process may have. Illnesses of the mind have the same components; chemistry is off balance and so the mind and body look for ways to compensate. When it can no longer compensate, the body begins to shut down. This is what is happening in the suicidal person. The amazing difference with anxiety/depression/PTSD/addiction etc., is the it can not only be managed, but “cured” in the sense that a person can thrive and be healed to a state better than before. There is hope…but I realize some reading this don’t think so right now. So I’ll hope and pray for you.
What happened in the 35 days at the LHC? Well like Elijah, who was stressed beyond his ability to cope, I was placed in a place where first and foremost my physical needs were met. Sleep, food, water. Taken care of for me. My healing began with taking care of the essential needs of the body. Next came the awareness that I was safe. Safety is crucial when trying to heal the mind and spirit. I began to sense that no matter what panic set in, what desperation and frantic feelings arose in me, I was in a place where I would be heard, watched, consoled, and most importantly…not judged or lectured. Those of us suffering from severe anxiety, depression, and traumatic events are very aware of our, at times, irrational thoughts and behaviors. We know things may not “be true”, that things “aren’t as bad as you think”, that “others have it far worse than you”, that “you just need to take a deep breath and calm down”, etc. etc. etc. But we CAN’T. The physiology of the brain is telling the body, we are in a major crises. We are in danger. We are alone…no one can help. The endorphins, the hormones, the sensations, the thoughts in our head are not unreal or imagined. Oh trust me…they are really happening. That Saber-toothed tiger is real and he is about to attack! Not only that, but our thoughts are clouded with self hatred and berating for not being able to be “normal”, we then become fearful, distant, and critical of others because of the generalizing our brain is doing about the dangers of people in order to keep us safe from the few that have hurt us and left us, used us.
After basic needs and safety, I began to learn about my illness. I was taught the basic neurochemistry of the brain, about neuropathways, the plethora of coping mechanisms we all use and why they are helpful, for a time being. I was taught about family of origin complexities, and many other scientifically based realities of the brain. I began to understand my illness, that much of it was out of my control once the brain took over. It was no different than the newly diagnosed diabetic learning all about their disease and how to fight it and live with it.
Then came the hard part…the timeline. All the significant memories from the beginning until that day. I had not in my entire life tried to piece together and understand all that I experienced, endured, and coped with. My past was very patchy at first. My memories do not include the faces of my parents or babysitters, etc. Somehow from very young I felt alone. Themes were more like my memories. I felt alone most of the time. I felt pressured to succeed. I learned early on that attention was received when I earned it through good grades, worthy performance in gymnastics, chores completed, or any other positive accolades. I learned early on that crying and distress was met with “you need to take a deep breath and go up to your room until you pull it together and come back down” translated in my head as “stuff those feelings away…they are wrong, bad, not to be brought out in the presence of others”. Now before you go about hating my parents, I don’t!! Most parents do the very best they can with the information they have at the time. During the 70’s and 80’s, the way to deal with children and emotions was more along the “tough love” route, or, “Children the Challenge”. And we must remember that our parents are a product of their upbringing as well. They are who they are because of dysfunctions in their home life. So, I am not blaming, I am sharing and learning why it is I feel and think the way I feel, and why, at certain critical moments in my life, when additional pain, stress, isolation, and trauma occurred certain neuropathways in my thinking were rooted in my brain. The timeline was brutal, and could only have occurred while in the safety of the LHC. Even within that environment, I was trigged into yet another bout of hopelessness and thoughts of self harm. My mind began to tell me no one really cared, that I was still invisible, unseen, unknown, and of no purpose to this world. I lashed out at counselors, I went within myself again, I hated my family, my friends, my God, this world, but mostly my life…I hated it so much. I tried to fake it as best I could as I have done for all my life. Never let them see you cry, always put on that smile everyone loves, encourage others, recite the lines of the healthy happy individual, deny severity of problems…I am so damn good at this. I know exactly how to act and what to say in order to get people off my back and to retreat farther into my mind, into isolation, into the world in which I plan my exit strategy…well, plan my trip Home. To no more tears, no more fear, no more rejection, no more loneliness, no more failure, no more abuse, no more pain. To finally be at peace, to rest and to have my mind finally quiet. But this time would be different…this time the greatest part of my 35 Dates with God was…the authentic, vulnerable friendships and community that rally around you, SEE you, and won’t let you suffer alone.
The small community of residents at the LHC became my family for that month. I met the most brave and amazing people that I have ever met in my entire life. To come to a place like LHC, to come to recovery, takes extreme courage, humility, and strength to deal with ugly truths of our lives. Being in that place with broken people who had the most beautiful real depth to them was some of the greatest healing for me. Both men and women, in their absolute brutal honesty, shared their lives, their shames, the past and their present with each other. We encouraged each other everyday, we never judged another and therefore we knew we weren’t judged. We were finally understood and seen and recognized for our whole being, our contributions, our worth, our purpose, and our beauty. Every kind of addiction, every horrible trauma, every painful choice we all made, we shared, we acknowledge, we understood, and then we let go. In my deepest darkest hours, I had beloved friends check on me. They asked nothing of me but to stay present with them. To rest when I needed, to join when I could. And to laugh, play, dance, sing, draw, and write whenever I could. I truly had a miracle happen during these 35 Dates with God. A profound shift in my well being happened. I new energy to heal, a past being set free, a shift in future thinking to present thinking, a dedication to myself to put into practice the proven methods of brain and thought retraining. I learned to pay attention to the sensations in my body…what was I feeling? What thoughts were occurring that were connected to the somatic experiences I was having. I learned to breathe…yep…I was the most shallow breather at best and often times, I was holding my breath. I learned mindfulness and the practice of experiencing the very present moment I am in. I learned to use the creative mind I have to visualize places and experiences that brought me great peace. I received massage to experience healing touch vs. traumatic touch, and to heal the tension in my neck and shoulders I had been holding on to for decades. I was able to experiment with visual artistry, drawing, painting, collaging as a means of expression. All these therapies along with counseling and the community I was surrounded by became the impetus for healing. It was the start of a whole new life. But don’t be mistaken…one does not leave the LHC “cured” never to falter, never to feel their illness again. It’s the first major step forward in recovery…going home would have it’s challenge.
I love thinking about my time in Santa Fe as 35 dates with God. Without Him there and His arrangement of all things in my life leading me to this place where He would meet me once and for all in the pit of hell, I would not be where I am today. I am growing stronger, wiser, more beautiful, more authentic, more vulnerable, more real every day. I have had scary set backs, but I pushed through them with the help of my newest closest strongest friends in the world. Everyday I am re-wiring my brain to see myself and this world in it’s reality…seeing the hope, the goodness, the beauty that IS still in this world. My hearts desire and my dedication to be a voice for the weak, the hurting, the anxious, the depressed, the traumatized is surging more and more everyday. Patiently and yet actively waiting on God to show me how to be his voice of mercy and love to others, his hands in healing, His feet in walking out action to bring recovery and awareness of mental health to the forefront of conversation in the U.S. The blessing and favor I received in retreating to the LHC for 35 days is not one I can hold on to for myself. So many others need this kind of recovery, actually probably we all do, but the expense is insurmountable for so many. I make a pledge to do what I can to make healing possible for others. To make a stand for improving health care options and reimbursement for mental health. I don’t know how yet…but I’ll follow God’s leading and go where He calls and do what He asks.
To my fellow sufferers, hang in there, healing is possible. It’s right there for the taking and you deserve it!
The Unmaking-Nichole Nordeman
This is where the walls gave way
This is demolition day
All the debris, and all this dust
What is left of what once was
Sorting through what goes and what should stayEvery stone I laid for You
As if You had asked me to
A monument to Holy things
Empty talk and circling
Isn’t that what we’re supposed to doWhat happens now
When all I’ve made is torn down
What happens next
When all of You, is all that’s leftThis is the unmaking
The beauty in the breaking
Had to lose myself
To find out who You are
Before each beginning
There must be an ending
Sitting in the rubble
I can see the stars
This is the unmakingThe longer and the tighter that we hold
Only makes it harder to let goBut love will not stay locked inside
A steeple or a tower high
Only when we’re broken, are we wholeWhat happens now
When all I’ve made is torn downThis is the unmaking
The beauty in the breaking
Had to lose myself
To find out who You are
Before each beginning
There must be an ending
Sitting in the rubble
I can see the stars
This is the unmaking
This is the unmakingI’ll gather the same stones where
Everything came crashing down
I’ll build You an altar there
On the same ground‘Cause what stood before
Was never yoursThis is the unmaking
The beauty in the breaking
Had to lose myself
To find out who You are
Before each beginning
There must be an ending
Sitting in the rubble
I can see the stars
This is the unmaking
This is the unmaking
Oh, this is the unmakingHad to lose myself
To find out who You are
“Sitting in the rubble I can see the stars”
100 Dates With God 