Fail!

Yep…I’ve failed this little self imposed fast from relationships thing.  I reached out to the “one” I have the deepest feelings for, and then, in an attempt to “move on” from him, I updated my online profiles and responded to some “Matches” that reached out to me.  Why?  Good question.  The main reason I’m doing this whole thing is because my heart is so caught up on the “one” that I have let my heart fall for.  This “one” that I’m beginning to think wants nothing more than a friendship, this “one” that takes all my attempts but doesn’t respond in kind.  Yet I can fine every excuse to cover for him.  Because, in reality, who is in charge of my heart?  The “one” or me?

I’m still struggling so completely with wanting to “prove” my worthiness, “prove” my kindness, “prove” my graciousness, “prove” my strength, “prove” how cool I am, how independent, how much of a catch I am.  I’m trying to show, “hey look…I don’t need you”, but alas, I do want you.  Why, Why Why do i feel I am not good enough unless I work and earn someone’s love? How long will it take my Lord, to learn this lesson?  When? or Should? I let this “one’ that keeps invading my life go?  Why does he not treat me like I treat him?  Why won’t he just let me go?

Lord I need you.  I need you in this time of of failure.  I need you to work faster in showing me that I have worth in your eyes alone.  I need you to fill me with peace and help me purge the notions that I am not good enough.

What do we do when we fail?  How many failures will God allow before He too has had “enough”.  So I googled it!! How many times can I fail?  Here is one that I got.

How Many Times? http://fundersandfounders.com/how-many-times-should-you-try/

• 3 times Steven Spielberg was rejected by University of Southern California Film School [biography at Yahoo Movies].

• 25 times Tim Ferris’s book The 4 Hour Work Week was rejected by publishers.

• 162 times the author of this infographic made searches for this data  .

• 300 times founder of Pandora.com approached investors before he got funding.

• 400 times Richard Branson launched companies before he finally founded one that is out of this world [Virgin Galactic] pun-intended.

• 1009 times Colonel Sanders who just started KFC was turned down when he tried selling  his fried chicken recipe.

• 1500 times Sylvester Stallone was rejected when he tried selling his script and himself as what would become the film “Rocky” [account by Tony Robbins, Stallone’s personal friend].

• 5126 times James Dyson created failed prototypes of his vacuum cleaner before succeeding.

• 10000 times Thomas Edison created failed prototypes of his electric bulb before succeeding.

I’m no where near 10,000 times, so I guess I can give myself a little break.  But what about with God?  Surely there is a point where, like the human race, He will roll his eyes and just give up on me.

“As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us” (Psalm 103:12).

“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”1 John 1:9,

“Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?’ Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.’” Matthew 18:21-22

Satan’s strongest hold on me and, probably you to, is the idea that there is only so much grace.  Furthermore, the amount of grace allowed has run out or will shortly.  I view grace from a human perspective.  There is only so much I can give.  After awhile, well…I guess you deserve it.  The crazier thing is…I’m not doing anything “sinful” in seeking a relationship. I’m just failing at my own goal.  This is what is bugging me the most.  I can’t forgive myself.

We are told to forgive, lest we not be forgiven.  Not to judge, lest we be judged.  I constantly judge and condemn Myself.  Please Lord… show me how to give grace, forgiveness to myself.  Show me how to ljust me.