I realize I have forgotten to write about some of the dates God has taken me on. Sometimes writing about such things is difficult for me, because my mind thinks like I dance. With ever flowing and turning, reaching and lunging movements. Not something that can easily be expressed in words, but only expressed in my imagination while dancing with my Lord to music. It’s better to keep some of my intimate moments with Jesus to just Him and I.
Tonight is different though. As I sit here alone in a candlelit room, the smell of a balsam and cedar candle and the rush of praise music over me, I cannot resist the urging of God for me to write the words that are on my mind. For tonight, as I try to enjoy this date with God, I am overwhelmed with loneliness and a desire for a love in my life, other than “just” the love of my Abba. How ungrateful I feel to know He is with me and all I want is my deepest prayer to be answered. To be seen for who I really am, the beauty I believe I have inside of me and not just externally. To be loved by a man through and through, to be adored, to be pursued, cherished, encouraged, convicted, challenged. To be loved like Christ asks men to love…and to be loved by this one particular person. Oh, how many of us have wished that a certain someone would love us like we love them. But this is not to be. My walk through suffering is not complete. My dates with God are not over. My need for another is still greater than my need for Jesus.
Tonight as I weep, I also give praise for the suffering Jesus has brought to me. Why is it we are surprised when suffering happens? I was never told in His Word that my life would be like Disney World, an endless stream of smiles, wishes come true, princesses and princes. And yet, how I cry out when I can’t have all the gifts of the world. Tonight I give praise from this long dark valley I walk through. Knowing Jesus is not only with me, but the One leading me through it. Looking back over this last year so far there are Truths I would never understand without this trial.
In the pain I have experienced in the “crush” I have had over a certain man that I see tremendous goodness in despite his fear and selfishness, I have come to understand, in a minute way, the despair Jesus feels when He reaches out to us constantly with words of encouragement, love, truth, and His crush on us and yet we fail to respond. Oh the texts and e-mails and words I sent to this man to always lift him up, to show my attraction to him, to let him know my feelings towards him, only to be left often with no response. The multitude of times I asked him to join me in all sorts of activities, only to be ignored again. There were times he did respond. That he took me up on an offer and came to be with me. And like I do with Jesus, it was because at that moment it was convenient for him. Or maybe, at that time, he needed me for something. For me, this relationship, along with the marriage relationship I was in for 20 years brought some of the worst pain to my heart and soul. That of being ignored. I am convinced that hurtful words would be better heard than to be ignored. To not have any response lets me know I am not even worthy of time, thought, dignity of self or of existence. Oh the pain it must be like for our Saviour to reach out to us constantly like He does to only be ignored. To only be given an hour or so of our time, when it’s convenient and we need something. When we need a pick me up, or to use Him for our gain. Lord, thank you for the severe anguish I have felt in being ignored, forgotten, dismissed. For in this pain, I have come to understand my actions toward you, but more so, I have come to realize that You truly are ALWAYS with me. Always pursuing me, loving me, whispering encouragement to me, challenging me, and convicting me. To go through this pain gives me a much softer and yet ravenous heart for the abandoned and forgotten. Their pain is so great. To be walked by everyday and not seen or recognized…it’s unbearable. May I not walk by the wounded any more.
In this valley of suffering, I have come to see the utter darkness of sin, the shame of the cross, and the horrific scene that Jesus’ crucifixion exhibits. Before this trial, I knew I was sinful. I was impatient, I spent money unwisely, forgive me for yelling at my kids. When I worried, I realized I had weak faith…forgive me for that too. But the cross was not gruesome. At least, it wasn’t because of me. I tried hard to understand what Jesus did for me on the cross, but really…I was a pretty clean cut woman. Not anymore. That cross is covered in Jesus’ blood because of my grotesque sinning throughout this year. In so much weakness and need for attention, I resorted to band-aids instead of healing. I succumbed to any act of affection by any man. My body became numb and worth nothing. Even more so, I began to believe that maybe the world was right about sex and intimacy. It’s just something you do. It doesn’t have much weight or meaning to it. I’ve been told by the world that I need to do this. It’ll be cathartic and healing. How will I know what I want or like if I don’t test things out…so they advise. I take full accountability for my actions…but men…do you not see anything but my body? Have I lost the shine and beauty of Jesus in me? Or do you look past that and only follow the desires of the flesh? I do not blame you. In a sense, I used you as well. I needed your attention. I had hoped by giving you the sense of strength and power, that you would want to see the inner me as well. I guess not. Lord…I cannot comprehend the sin I have committed against You. I cried out so many times in horror and in shame and guilt for my actions, vowing not to do it again…and then I kept choosing band-aids over Your healing. I didn’t trust in your plan. I still falter in trusting You. How long or Lord? How long?
The answer for me is…until I truly learn and know that I am an absolutely beautiful worthy woman and daughter of the King, loved and cared for to such an extent, that even in my loneliness and confusion, tests and trials I can have peace. Peace beyond understanding. Joy beyond reasoning. Gratitude in all things. My biggest sin of all…I hate me. To hate God’s greatest creation, His crowning jewel is an affront to Him. We don’t allow others to hate people. Hate crimes carry harsher penalties. I don’t let my children say they hate another. Such a hypocrite I am to hate me. Until I can see that I am a diamond. Maybe a diamond in the rough, but still priceless and unique, I will continue to walk through this valley. But I know Jesus is with me. He isn’t bringing me through this just to wear me down, threaten me, discipline me…He is bringing me through the valley I have created for myself, by my own free will. I created a place that is dark, lonely, devoid of love, grace, peace and joy. Sadly, this is the valley I have created by me, for me. Yet Jesus entered into it. He wasn’t about to leave me alone completely.
Finally, what I am learning, is that God does use us to relay His message of love to others. I understand the wisdom people impart towards me when they say, “you have to be content being alone, being single and loved my Jesus alone. Then will you be ready to be loved by another”. We’ve all heard this. But let me tell you something world…God speaks His love to others through us. In all we do for others, being His hands and feet as we like to say, we show the love of Christ to others. Please, be His words of love too. Yes, I long to be loved by a man of this world. Why? Because I long to hear God’s love for me through the words of another. Don’t forget us who are single and alone. Suffering, lonely, sad. I understand we seem burdensome at times…please let us know what you see in us. Let me know God’s love for me. Don’t forget me. Don’t keep me in solitary confinement. I will not do that to you. I am more convicted because of this suffering, to let others know they are amazing, beautiful, unique…and yes…sinners…loved so deeply they will never know the extent.
I LOVE you…All of you out there! I LOVE you. You are my Brothers and Sisters. The ones I have now, the ones who will be added to this Family. You are not forgotten.
Lord, thank you for this suffering. I give all praise and glory to You, who knows how to bend, chisel, mold, and create me to be even more a reflection of You. Hurry Lord, quench this thirst with relief. May your will lead me out of this suffering soon.
Can you pray these words? (Sidewalk Prophets)
So I can be healed
‘Cause I’m so calloused
And now I can’t feel
I want to run to You
With heart wide open
Make me broken
Make me empty
So I can be filled
‘Cause I’m still holding
Onto my will
And I’m completed
When you are with me
Make me empty
‘Til You are my one desire
‘Til You are my one true love
‘Til You are my breath, my everything
Lord, please keep making me
Make me lonely
So I can be Yours
‘Til I want no one
More than You, Lord
‘Cause in the darkness
I know You will hold me
Make me lonely
‘Til You are my one desire
‘Til You are my one true love
‘Til You are my breath, my everything
Lord, please keep making,
I know You’ll keep making
Lord, please keep making me
100 Dates With God 