Incomplete

I had 2 dates with God today.  The first one at his House, Flatirons Church in Lafayette, CO and the second date in an hour of one on one time with Him in prayer.  Waiting and seeking his love and his voice to me.

Meeting with Him in church today was rough.  He spoke through the pastor about marriage, the roles in marriage, the roles in relationships in general.  It’s hard to hear about how a Christian man should treat his wife and realize that that did not happen for me.  Protection, provision, nourishment and to be cherished were not bestowed upon me…and in the end I suffered from starvation and anxiety and fear.  I take responsibility for the lack of respect I showed my ex.  I did my best to honor and submit to him, but my best interest was not his priority.  Tonight is such a hard night to get my words out…not sure where God is taking me.  But  I know that I heard Him this afternoon in the midst of a confused and crushed heart and mind.

In the last, almost 2 1/2 years since my husband and I separated, I have sought love again.  Along the way, though, I moved away from my God, I began to not trust Him and I sought men to fill my needs and voids in whatever way they chose.  I suppose I was hoping that men would rise to their created masculinity and be a protector of my body, mind and soul.

I’m sorry…tonight I cannot write.  I’ll have to finish this blog another time.  Still so much confusion and betrayal I’m trying to work out.

Pie Shop

Not sure I want to visit the pie shop again with God…however, the cream pie to the face and the bingeing on humble pie was one of the greatest, quickest eye-opening experiences I have had.  Therefore, it was definitely worth …

35 Dates with God

Where have I been?  Well from December 28th thru Feb 2nd I was fortunate enough to retreat from the world and heal at the Life Healing Center in Santa Fe, NM.  I came to be there after the effects of …

Still Jenn

Tonight I sit here watching the movie Still Alice starring Julianne Moore.  And my sweet sweet God is healing me through this horrendously awful beautiful story of early onset Alzheimer’s disease.  I don’t suffer from this nefarious condition…but because of this story, and the realization that there are amazing souls out there struggling with this I am seeing more of the beauty in my life than the loss.  Sometimes we cry out and lash out at God or our friends and family…and we may have legitimate reason to be angry and frustrated and disgusted at our lot, but I don’t want to let those who are losing their memories to be left without a legacy.  Their legacy is teaching us to hold on to what precious moments we’ve been given.  That moments…memories are the most precious gifts we have.  And the best moments are when authentic love is present.

We try to create amazing moments…here in the US that is.  We buy lavish getaways, buy amazing nights outs, buy new homes, buy buy buy.  Then we post post post…because in our minds, a memory is only valid if it is up on social media and receives likes and comments.  The moments that mean the most are the ones in the midst of chaos when we suddenly realize how amazing life is, even if we have nothing.  Those stomp in the puddle moments because rain, mud and puddles are exponentially more valuable than resort bought sand.  Quiet star lit nights when the expanse of the universe overwhelms you.  The mundane nights when you are just with someone.  The presence of people in your life that you treasure.  The moments not posted about, that go by without our notice until somewhere along the way we realize we are surrounded with so much stuff, so much nonsense, so much excess, so much self promotion that we have lobotomized ourselves to true, real authentic moments with people.  Social media is stripping from our memories authenticity.  If it’s not posted about…it didn’t happen…it won’t be remembered.  We aren’t sharing in intimate moments with people anymore.  Sharing with them our unique love at that one particular moment in time, shared only with them so that they can have a memory that outlasts a FB post.  I’m afraid we are teaching our children that if we don’t post our moments, our dedications of love, our achievements, our blessings and gifts… if we don’t receive feedback from the masses, then our moments are not validated, not real.

I am being given the gift of loss of things.  The loss of bragging rights.  The loss of stuff, the loss of money and self sustainment, the loss of “friends”.  I’ve had a husband leave me after 20 years because the FB status moments weren’t enough.  Because moments were forgotten.  Because moments not consciously committed to our memory will vanish.  It is only us lucky ones, that lose just about everything that makes American’s “happy”, that are forced to look back and look at the here and now and remember the beautiful moments in our lives.  To remember the photo album days…the memories in pictures we took, had developed, and then spent time looking at and placing in albums meant just for us.  Where care was taken to remember the moment and the feelings connected to it.  The album moments we can sit with, hold in our laps, and absorb the essence of that moment in time made beautiful because it was just mine, just ours.

This Christmas will have little to none in terms of store bought gifts for my children from their mom.  Living this reality in the midst of bombardment of advertising for things to buy for your friends and family is a constant feeling of failure.  Hearing my kids express their “list” of things wanted for Christmas, living and surrounded by apparent affluence where thousands of dollars will be spent on children in order to buy a memory for them causes untold anxiety.  As gifts is  my love language…this Christmas will be painful.  What I do hope I can gift them is a lasting memory.  They won’t appreciate it now…that’s o.k., but my prayer is someday, when all seems lost, when life is more pain than pleasure, they will remember this Christmas moment.  Not something shared with others not present…but that authentic beautiful moment with their mom.

In a crazy way…thank you to those who are battling the effects of Alzheimers.  Know that your pain, your losses are spurring on others to live better.  To remember better.

“My yesterdays are disappearing, and my tomorrows are uncertain, so what do I live for? I live for each day. I live in the moment. Some tomorrow soon, I’ll forget that I stood before you and gave this speech. But just because I’ll forget it some tomorrow doesn’t mean that I didn’t live every second of it today. I will forget today, but that doesn’t mean that today didn’t matter.”
― Lisa Genova, Still Alice

 

The Pit

 

It’s funny that it has literally come down to the “Pit” to find some welling hope, energy, joy and well…happiness.

God has taken me to Pittsburgh on this long needed getaway date.  Here in the Pit I have been reunited with 2 of the most loving beautiful friends in my life that I have not seen in over 10 years.  My reason for visiting came in a message I sent them via Facebook in which I said…Help!! I can’t breathe anymore.  I can’t see a future.  Hope has vanished, my soul is injured, my energy depleted, my body used.  I’m done.  I wanna go Home now.  That is what it feels like to be in the pit.  That dark hole where it seems light cannot penetrate, where people can’t hear your cries anymore…or worse, they hear them but don’t want to risk entering the pit to help you.  My friends Julie and Steve jumped into the pit, they listened to the voice speaking to them through a dark shroud that was hell bent on suffocating the life out of the jewel beneath, then they lifted the near lifeless friend up and pushed me out of the pit.  They flew me to them…They chose to sacrifice time, money, children’s momentary needs, sleep, and more to let me be with them.  In just 36 hours, because of life giving friendship, the jewel I know I am is beginning to tear out of the black shroud.

Our loved ones, our family and friends, they can act upon the calling to help another.  They can live out “love one another as I have loved you”, they can sacrifice and do all that they are led to do…but the removing of the shroud…that only God and I can do.  He lives in me…the creator of the universe, strength and power unlimited, the One who can toss a mountain into the sea with the sound of His voice.  The one who broke out of his own shroud.  This power is within me, and He is telling me to use Him to tear through the lies.  To fight my way out, with His strength, of the strongholds in my life.  I have to be part of the fight, there is no way to become stronger without fighting my way through.  Muscles are not strengthened by someone else lifting our arms for us…we have to lift, we have to strain, we must endure the pain, we must go at it one more time, even when it feels as though we can’t.

I am strong.  I am beautiful. I have worth.  I am loved.  I am lovable.  I am remarkable.  I am unique.  I am unstoppable.  I am a treasure.

I am His

No, I won’t go home in a few days to a “perfected” life.  To a suddenly thriving business, to day dreamy love and romance, to riches, success, travel and fame.  God never told us that is how it works here.  There is no “Secret” to “perfect” life.  No…God didn’t hide himself from us.  He’s not hiding in the universe.  He came in the flesh, He lived in the flesh, He suffered in the flesh, He died in the flesh, and He returned resurrected in the flesh!  No hiding.  His promise is for perfection eternal AFTER this life.  His promise is peace and joy and strength and contentment IN this life.  God has never said that we wouldn’t suffer.  He never despised those suffering.  Suffering is not because one is weak or being punished.  Suffering is not laid upon a person because they deserve it.

Suffering is for those who CAN endure, for those who walk in the light of Christ and suffer for His sake.  Suffering just IS a part of the Christian life. We spend our entire lives trying to avoid it.  Anxiously scattered in thought and deed to minimize suffering.  As parents we do everything we can to “give our kids a better life”, to make sure they do not suffer, to eliminate every kind of suffering we can think of.  We find every way possible to have others lift the weights of life for us….and then wonder why we are so weak when trials and sufferings occur.

My sufferings are not over, my conditioning not complete.  But because of love, given to me by God through His people, I will endure.  I will get stronger.  I have hope again…My strength will strengthen others one day.

Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.  Romans 8:17

Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; Romans 5:3

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. Romans 8:18

For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.  2 Corinthians 1:5

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  James 1:2-4

But those who suffer he delivers in their suffering; he speaks to them in their affliction. Job 36:15

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 1 Peter 5:10

For those who are suffering…where breath eludes you, where hope seems vanished, where body is worn and mind is done.  For the lonely, not seen, easily used and discarded, for the “too much” and the “not enough” out there…I hear you in the pit.  You are not forgotten.  Even if it is just this blog…I am here.  Keep crying out.  Keep praying.  Keep fighting.  Keep asking.  For YOU are truly the strong ones of the world.  You will do the most good for others.  You will bring about glory to God that others cannot  for they are not tried and tested.  Look to your fellow sufferers.  You are strength!

Join with me in suffering, like a good soldier of Christ Jesus. 2Timothy 2:3

Too Much

One of the loudest and most nagging voices in my head are the words spoken to me by my, now, ex-husband in response to my pleads for “Why are you leaving me?”.  His only response…,”you’re too much.”

No explanation…but it must be bad to be “too much”.

I guess I am too much.   I was made to be emotional, passionate, empathetic, sacrificial.  I’m a lover of souls too much .  I’m romantic too much.  I’m a dreamer too much .  I give of my time and resources any time I’m asked and I can. Sometimes, even when it would have better not to give. I am too much of a pleaser and perfectionist…this I am learning.   I forgive too much.  I definitely hope too much.  I believe in people too much.  I’m taken for granted too much.  I laugh too much (was actually told that).

In the dating world I plan too much, I pay for too much, I reach out too much, I ask too much, I do too much.  I try to prove I am  worthy too much.

I guess I am too much of a liability than an asset to people.  When people learn of my history of anxiety and depression…they think about and focus on that as a weakness.  They forget to look at and see the fighter, the hope, the strength and the conquerer before them.  I am NOT anxiety and depression…I have fought anxiety and depression.  So I guess I’m a fighter too much.

I am a failure too much.  That is what I tend to believe too much, because I’m not loved so much.

I try to much…and here is where God is meeting me.  Softly whispering to stop trying so much.  I am being made aware that I don’t really believe in unmerited grace.  I don’t like mercy, I don’t like charity, I don’t like unconditional love.  I view my God the way I view men…starting with my dad.  Love is earned.  I will be affirmed, pursued, loved, given to, adored, held when I earn it.  When I prove I’m good enough for it.  At best, “we can be friends”.  Same with God.  My eternal salvation is set.  It’s been done, it’s determined by Christ’s sacrifice on the cross for me, but deep down inside…I need to prove I earned it.  I need to show I deserved it.  I say to God often in mixed up ways, “look God, I’m glorifying You.  Do you see me? I’m doing what you said.  See…I’m a good daughter.”  And just as fast and easy as I say that…I sin miserably and I realize I don’t deserve anything.  This is why I choose relationships in which I’m treated with such disregard that it confirms, in my mind, I’m not good enough..yet..but I’ll show him how good I can be.  He’ll have to see my sweet nature, my tender heart, my desire to give more than receive etc, etc, etc,  It’s perfect, I can be Jesus to him and kill two birds with one stone.  I’ll work really hard glorifying God and I’ll show this mortal man how worthy I am of his love.  Choose me.  Choose me. Pick me.  See me.

It’s utterly exhausting to earn love.

My recent dates with God have been quiet nights at home.  Talking to Him.  Sometimes yelling at Him.  Definitely crying with Him.  Just being with Him.  In these quiet evenings, I hear Him speaking to me and He sees things a little different…He reminds me that He gave “too much”, He pursues “too much”, He forgave “too much”, He woos “too much”, He invites “too much”, He reminds “too much”, He hopes “too much”, He bears “too much”.  He absolute loves me “too much” and more.  God is breaking me, because He loves me so intensely, so incredibly, so infinitely, that He can’t stand to see me try to earn that from Him or anyone anymore.  When despite all your best efforts things still fall apart and away but you are still held in His merciful hands, there will finally come a point when you collapse.  When you must just surrender to His love and let go of work, of trying too much.

I am too much.  I am too too much in God’s eyes for Him to let me perish under my sin.  I am too much to let go.  Too much to let suffer.  God made me, He made us, in His image.  He made us too much…too beautiful.

Beautiful To Me-Nicole Nordeman

Every girl young and old has to face her own reflection
Twirl around, stare it down
What’s the mirror gonna say
With some luck, you’ll measure up
But you might not hold a candle to the rest
“Is that your best?” says the mirror to the mess
But there’s a whisper in the noise
Can you hear a little voice
and He says:

Has anybody told you you’re beautiful?
You might agree if you could see what I see
‘Cuz everything about you is incredible
You should have seen me smile the day that I made you beautiful for Me

If it’s true beauty lies in the eye of the beholder
Want my life and what’s inside to give Him something to behold
I want a heart that’s captivating
I wanna hear my Father say

Has anybody told you you’re beautiful?
You might agree if you could see what I see
‘Cuz everything about you is incredible
You should have seen me smile the day that I made you beautiful for Me
Close your eyes
Look inside
Let Me see the you that you’ve been trying to hide
Long ago, I made you so very beautiful
So I ought to know you’re beautiful

Has anybody told you you’re beautiful?
You might agree if you could see what I see
‘Cuz everything about you is incredible
You should have seen me smile the day that I made you beautiful
You’re so beautiful
Beautiful for me
So beautiful for me
Has anybody told you?

He Still Invited Me

Lately my “dates” with God have been more like fight club meets death match.  My sufferings turned inward become extreme anger turned outward.  My eyes are so open to the ego centric nature of humans lately.  The take take take mentality the vast majority of us have.  I have been so worn down, so taken from, so discarded, so used by so many that I am finally at my breaking point.  No…I’ve been broken.  Now I’m not sure I can be healed.

Today, my anger and hatred was turned straight at God Himself.  I pound my fist at Him.  I scream out, “what the f–k do you want from me?  How much pain am I supposed to endure?”  and then…I hate myself even more.  In the presence of God I hate myself.  He is making me hate myself more…so it feels.  How can I ask for deliverance, how do I dare ask for answers to my prayers when I find myself almost hating Him.  Of course He is not answering my prayers…I’m a taker from Him…just like the rest of us.  I am the ultimate “older daughter” in the prodigal story.  Lord, I tithe even while I”m in debt, when my car is about to be repossessed, I lead a study, I encourage others daily through blogging, Facebook encouragements, I pray for others, I sign up for and volunteer at events.  I come to your word over and over again.  I pray to you constantly.  Why Lord, why is that not enough to throw me a party? I don’t even want a party, just some relief.  Why Lord, why do I keep going back to that “one” who obviously doesn’t want me except to use me for the laughter, encouragement and company he wants when he wants it.  This is the form I took as I entered into His house this morning to be with Him, yet again.  I came angry, I came on the verge of disbelief in Him as a good God that hears me, I came with visceral hatred towards people in general and specific people as well.  I came to His house in such a state that His doors should have been slammed in my face!!

But they weren’t…my family at The Gathering let me in.  They welcomed me.

Let me tell you, the moment you keep willing your spirit to stay with God, come back to Him, listen to Him…Satan will throw nasty darts your way.  Who sat in front of me?  A new family I’ve not met.  A perfectly loving husband and wife with 4 amazingly behaved great looking kids and, what I’m assuming, 2 adopted children.  Seriously?  I about vomited…for real.  What kind of loving God would throw this in my face and taunt me with…”look at what others have…she is adored by her husband.  They have amazing children.  This is a picture of joy, of family.  Ha Ha… you don’t have this!!”  Nice play Satan, nice play.  It worked.

But I stayed.  If God were anything like you and me, He would definitely just ignore me.  Told me to grow up or say something like us parent’s say to our kids, “if you want to stay miserable, stay miserable.  I’m tired of trying”.

Here I am, Lord, and I’m drowning in your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don’t want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind, keeps me awake tonight
I know You’ve cast my sin as far as the east is from the west
And I stand before You now as though I’ve never sinned
But today I feel like I’m just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

These words from Casting Crowns adequately sum up where I’m at right now.

But my God, our God, the one and only God didn’t do that to me.  Instead, through music we sang, He began to silence Satan and his awful condemnations from my head.  Satan’s words cannot prevail in God’s house.  My pounding angry heart began to soften.  My exploding head began to quiet.  And somewhere in my soul, I felt a glimmer of hope…no, not hope.  Love.

Then, He spoke to me through a testimony shared at church.

Deuteronomy 31:8 The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

Another piercing of Love.  He will NEVER leave me.  Lord, everyone leaves me.  My husband left me, employees leave me, my children leave me, friends flee from me, the “one” I’ve fallen for leaves me.  Why wouldn’t You?  Why shouldn’t You?

Romans 8:5-9 Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. 6 The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. 7 The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. 8 Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God.

9 You, however, are not in the realm of the flesh but are in the realm of the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you. 

So God spoke to me even louder.  This was the passage spoken to me through our amazing pastor by our God.

My mind, my desires are governed by the flesh…I yearn for a man, well, a particular man.  I hope for, pray for, work for and desire him.  My desires are for freedom from debt, a business that will thrive and survive, I pray for healing of my mind and of my body.  None of these are bad things to pray for, but they are fleshly things to pray for.  I am hostile to God, because I am fixed on the needs of the flesh.  I feel death all around me because I live in the flesh more than in the Spirit.  Christ asks us, “What is it you want from Me?”  Lord, I want you…only you.  I want life and peace.  I want to live according to the Spirit and with the Spirit.  Holy Spirit you are welcome here…here with me.  Never leave me, never forsake me.

And then, He still invited me to His table.  A weeping mess, I realized I was more welcome at His table today, then I am on the days in which life is great and I don’t feel the need for Him as much.  Today, I took of the bread and the wine, the body and the blood of Christ, at my most undeserving of time.  That’s exactly how we should always TAKE from Him.  Remembering our undeservingness and His willingness to GIVE and His asking us to TAKE.

I came in nearly hating my God.  Definitely hating His people.  I came in hopeless, beaten down, broken, hurt, crushed in spirit. He welcomed me, encouraged me, taught me and then fed me.  He gave ALL of Himself to me today and always.  I am His and He is mine.  He will never leave me nor forsake me. Even at my ugliest.

I start the day, the war begins, endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again Your truth is drowned out by the storm I’m in
Today I feel like I’m just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

I know You’ve washed me white, turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through, to get me through this night
I can’t live by what I feel, but by the truth Your word reveals
I’m not holding on to You, but You’re holding on to me
You’re holding on to me

Jesus, You know just how far the east is from the west
I don’t have to see the man I’ve been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
’cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other
One scarred hand to the other
From one scarred hand to the other

AMEN

Can’t Write

Sometimes dating God leads you to a place where you just can’t express your mind and thoughts anymore.  So I found others that could do it for me.

Life’s enjoyment

closeup of a representation of the Jesus Christ crown of thorns and nail

Fail!

Yep…I’ve failed this little self imposed fast from relationships thing.  I reached out to the “one” I have the deepest feelings for, and then, in an attempt to “move on” from him, I updated my online profiles and responded to some “Matches” that reached out to me.  Why?  Good question.  The main reason I’m doing this whole thing is because my heart is so caught up on the “one” that I have let my heart fall for.  This “one” that I’m beginning to think wants nothing more than a friendship, this “one” that takes all my attempts but doesn’t respond in kind.  Yet I can fine every excuse to cover for him.  Because, in reality, who is in charge of my heart?  The “one” or me?

I’m still struggling so completely with wanting to “prove” my worthiness, “prove” my kindness, “prove” my graciousness, “prove” my strength, “prove” how cool I am, how independent, how much of a catch I am.  I’m trying to show, “hey look…I don’t need you”, but alas, I do want you.  Why, Why Why do i feel I am not good enough unless I work and earn someone’s love? How long will it take my Lord, to learn this lesson?  When? or Should? I let this “one’ that keeps invading my life go?  Why does he not treat me like I treat him?  Why won’t he just let me go?

Lord I need you.  I need you in this time of of failure.  I need you to work faster in showing me that I have worth in your eyes alone.  I need you to fill me with peace and help me purge the notions that I am not good enough.

What do we do when we fail?  How many failures will God allow before He too has had “enough”.  So I googled it!! How many times can I fail?  Here is one that I got.

How Many Times? http://fundersandfounders.com/how-many-times-should-you-try/

• 3 times Steven Spielberg was rejected by University of Southern California Film School [biography at Yahoo Movies].

• 25 times Tim Ferris’s book The 4 Hour Work Week was rejected by publishers.

• 162 times the author of this infographic made searches for this data  .

• 300 times founder of Pandora.com approached investors before he got funding.

• 400 times Richard Branson launched companies before he finally founded one that is out of this world [Virgin Galactic] pun-intended.

• 1009 times Colonel Sanders who just started KFC was turned down when he tried selling  his fried chicken recipe.

• 1500 times Sylvester Stallone was rejected when he tried selling his script and himself as what would become the film “Rocky” [account by Tony Robbins, Stallone’s personal friend].

• 5126 times James Dyson created failed prototypes of his vacuum cleaner before succeeding.

• 10000 times Thomas Edison created failed prototypes of his electric bulb before succeeding.

I’m no where near 10,000 times, so I guess I can give myself a little break.  But what about with God?  Surely there is a point where, like the human race, He will roll his eyes and just give up on me.

“As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us” (Psalm 103:12).

“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”1 John 1:9,

“Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?’ Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.’” Matthew 18:21-22

Satan’s strongest hold on me and, probably you to, is the idea that there is only so much grace.  Furthermore, the amount of grace allowed has run out or will shortly.  I view grace from a human perspective.  There is only so much I can give.  After awhile, well…I guess you deserve it.  The crazier thing is…I’m not doing anything “sinful” in seeking a relationship. I’m just failing at my own goal.  This is what is bugging me the most.  I can’t forgive myself.

We are told to forgive, lest we not be forgiven.  Not to judge, lest we be judged.  I constantly judge and condemn Myself.  Please Lord… show me how to give grace, forgiveness to myself.  Show me how to ljust me.

ANGER-Righteous? Probably not.

And just as God comes in to fill you with His love and power and hope….Satan will come in and destroy it!  I am so angry today.  I am most angry at my Christian ‘friends’, of course I’m angry at my ex…but he is who he is.  But those who confess in Christ but live a life only to make sure their day, their energy and their kids/family are cared for…have totally and completely missed the point of loving one another.

Here is an example….When you become a member of a church.  Do you promise only to be a member in the good times?  When it works best for you and provides all that you need for you and your kids?  NO…yet again…it’s another covenant with your Christian family.  I have been left and destroyed, because one was too lazy to stick through the “in sickness” part of his vows, but what hurts me more…”you” have left me, abandoned me in the same way.  It’s a great thing and worthy of “patting” yourself on the back for visiting someone in the hospital…Yeah for you…but what about walking through the horrible, lonely, sinful valley of death…even if it lasts 2 years+.  Too much for you?…then yes…go visit a mega church where no-one knows you and you can get everything you need with no effort.

Can you hear my righteous anger?  I have been abandoned by “Christian” friends.  If you leave a church, not because they are preaching/teaching heretical things…then repent and deal with the fact that you probably left a sister or a brother who needs you!  Help me forgive them my God.  I guarantee they know not what they did.

I was recently told that the reason one has not engaged with me is because “we have different interests”.  What interests??? My interests in the last year and a half is how to survive being left by a husband, it was trying to learn how to survive as a single woman in a world that, for the most part, doesn’t want a real relationship-they want a “friend with benefits” when it’s convenient for them.  My interests have been trying to find ways to not drink too much, not take to many pills, not cut myself.  I have no interests but to try and get my “friends” together to spend time with me, encourage me.  You judged me wrong.

So what do I do? What do we do with anger?  When Satan won’t leave me alone and wants me to shame and embarrass and crush those who think they are “greater than thou”.  I guess I embrace it.   I let it happen, I let it help me sift through real friends, real faithful followers, despite every human urge to not pray for you…I do.  Then somehow I find the strength to forgive and pray they will repent and come back to the family they vowed to take care of.

The saddest thing to me…I’ve invited many to join me at church and sadly several of them won’t come because they have better more loyal friends outside the church, they have seen my “lack of” friends from church.  Oh my Abba…forgive us!

Yes…Christians like me can get raging mad.  We can sin…I know I have.  I write about it, I vow not to do it again.  The sad thing is that when I’m alone on nights when I’m struggling…the people who rally around me are the “nonbelievers” (though I see their beautiful eternal redeemed life ahead of them).  What does that say?  The Christians I know are ‘too busy’ trying to look good.

If this offends you…most likely it’s because you’re been cut to the heart.  Just think about the face to face repentance I’ve had to do with more “obvious” sins, oh  you can’t…you weren’t aware.

God help me to love those who have left and hurt me.  I want so bad to shame, call out, rage against them, but You did not do this to me when I was in my selfish ways, so help me not do that to them.  Only You can help me live peaceably when I want to fight.  Only you can help me forgive when I don’t want to.  This is all you Lord, not me at all.